Dear Sir or Madam,
I recently started receiving your email newsletter reviewing the latest Angels and Demons events in the greater Dayton area, and I’d like to maybe help clear up some details using my own personal experiences.
First of all, demons aren’t powerful, or even all that ugly. My shift manager at Sheetz, Daramiam, is a 3rd tier demon. He’s not a terrible looking guy, maybe a little overweight. And while yes, he does feed off my torment, he never goes too far. Like last month he made me shovel ice around the pumps 4 times, even though the ground was obviously clear after my first pass. But he said it needed to be perfect, and so I spent 3 hours shoveling bare asphalt. I could see him watching me from inside, giggling at my frustration, but afterwards he offered me a Marlboro red. He likes sharing nude pics of his girlfriend. I don’t ask for them, but I humor him and act jealous. Yeah, he’s a dick, but I’ve had worse bosses.
Then there’s Orasniel (he goes by Otis), who works at the local vape shop. He’s actually pretty chill. Sometimes he’ll give me free stuff when there’s new products, but he’s kind of a talker. Usually he’ll talk my ear off about his upside down life. One time he mentioned he was 840-something years old, so I told him about my boss, and he explained his whole demon deal. It was kinda funny, but also I’m kinda glad I don’t have his problems. I got enough shit in grade school for being half-Jewish. Sounds like being a demon can be a real pain in the ass. Apparently there’s a lot of paperwork? They both talk a lot about filing paperwork, but I usually tune out the details.
My neighbor Karl might be a demon, but he’s never come and out said so. He’s a dick for sure, and really loves putting nasty little notes on people’s houses about their long grass or messy yards, even though his house is probably the shittiest sight around. I flip him off when I see him, and he just laughs. So, you know, you do the math. Not trying to be racist or anything – I’m sure they’re individuals, but I think I know a demon when I see one.
Oddly, I’ve never met a demon outside Ohio. I imagine there’s some more in Kentucky. They seem to like Marlboro reds and fanny packs, though I don’t know why. Just seems odd, but I’ll be damned if they don’t all sport one. Make of that what you will.
As for Angels, I can’t say I’ve ever met one, so for all I know you’ve got them nailed. Is it true they all have British accents? Why do you think that is? Seems like a weird choice to me. My brother in law is from York, and people think he sounds gay. I’d be concerned with that if I were some all powerful celestial guy.
Also, why no genitals? I’m not exactly sporting the “premium package”, but at least I’ve got a pair.
Anyhow, hope this helps. Apart from some drama, I think you publish a fine newsletter, and look forward to future issues.
– Gary Veitman
Tipp City, OH