The Daily Grump

Dispatches from over the hill

  • Delayed game review of “Circumstances in Pickle City”

    This may come a month late, but after a personal victory I experienced this week, I’ve been encouraged by my discord friend group to finally write this correction of the record. The September game release of Circumstances in Pickle City is an absolute train wreck.

    To begin, while the indie hit has received a lot of fanfare from the gaming community, its entire premise is not engaging. You play as Harry T. Pickle, and begin the game as the executor of your deceased father’s estate. The intro cinematics explain that as part of this task, your father’s books and records are in complete shambles, and his carpet installation business is under threat of foreclosure due to zoning violations and misfiled taxes.

    At several points during my first 10 hours of gameplay, I had to look up many of the terms used in the game. Mixed-use habitats and self-insured vehicles sent me into internet rabbit holes, and the process infuriated me. Who would tolerate such byzantine local regulations? What the hell is wrong with the planners and city commissioners of Pickle City? A little suspension of disbelief is all well and good, but this game pushed me over the limit.

    At several points in Act 1, Harry T. Pickle must appeal zoning violations, in a joyless gameplay loop.

    When I tried following the archaic city regulations of Pickle City, at no point did I feel I have a grasp of what was expected. Harry’s home was clearly in a mixed residential / commercial district, but the violations all state your house cannot be used for service-based businesses. The job codes in the planning books never lined up, and it took 7 visits to the zoning office to finally submit my petition for appeal.

    Also, completely absent from the Steam Overwhelmingly Positive user reviews was the question, why do we have a health bar? I had 3 hearts throughout all of my gameplay, but there are no enemies to speak of. I even got into a fender bender driving to the insurance office, but after hashing out the liability details with the other driver and a police officer, I was back in my car with 3 hearts. What are the hearts even for?!

    After 40 hours of gameplay, I’d had enough. I ended my play litigating estate taxes with Pickle City’s department of revenue, and I couldn’t push any further in the red tape, dystopian gherkin nightmare. The game never states it, but the enemy is clearly the blurred lines between public and private ownership, and I for one wasn’t enjoying the challenge.

    Overall I give Circumstance in Pickle City 1 star. It’s graphics are adequate for a pixel game, but the hellish overreach of city regulations made the gameplay a joyless loop I couldn’t wait to exit.

    – Chaz Mutt, 2-bit Review Zone

  • A substance-free, opaquely partisan election take, shared in polite company

    Man, this election. Am I right?

    Boy, I’m just sick of it all. Both parties are no good, they don’t deliver on their promises, and the folks we elect just get rich. Man oh man, I’m just tired of it all.

    Did you hear about that bomb that went off overseas? I was reading online how that lady Senator couldn’t believe it happened. What planet is she living on? And you know it was because we weren’t supporting our troops right. If we had a strong leader, that sorta stuff wouldn’t happen. We used to have strong leaders, but not anymore. It’s a damn shame.

    I swear, some days the news just makes me sick. But you gotta stay informed! Cause otherwise, that’s how they get you. Next thing you know, my taxes go up, and I can’t afford groceries. Have you seen gas prices?! I just paid $120 to fill up my Ford F-9000 fifth-wheel king cab! Used to be, you could pay rent with that kinda money. It just makes me sick.

    Yeah, it’s all bad. Don’t know what to make about those candidates, it’s all just a big mess. Trump’s a bit of a character, and she’s just a big phony. It’s such a tough call. And there’s so much on the line, what with all the inflation and wars. Whoever wins has got a lot of problems on their hands.

    But I guess that’s how election seasons go, hunh? Yeah, it’ll be nice when it’s all over. I’m just sick of politics.

    That, and all the trans stuff. But mainly the politics.

  • To the racing club that ejected me on medical grounds

    Dear committee members of the Local Car Club racing circuit,

    When my doctor told me I have narcolepsy, I thought my racing career was over. But good drivers don’t give up so easily.

    As you’re aware, last April I fell asleep in pole position. Thank the Lord I hadn’t started the started the race, and only drifted into the forward car causing minor damage to Tony Selenti’s #14 bumper. We’ve since made amends.

    After that incident, my doctor confirmed the worst, and I took time off from the circuit as you all had strongly suggested. It was a dark time, I’m not afraid to say. But in my darkest hours came inspiration. One Sunday morning as I drove my wife to church, she began shrieking about my doctor’s orders and how I was “putting everyone’s life at risk”. This went on for a good 30 minutes, when it finally occurred to me I had never felt more awake!

    So, I’ve addressed the main issue with a copilot. My wife would never agree to join me during a race, but I was able to find a partner on Craigslist that would accompany me on the track and play a recording of my wife as I drove. This would ensure I remained alert and awake during the tense moments of the upcoming Oktoberfest Fall Classic race, October 26.

    At your earliest convenience, I’m ready to qualify for the upcoming race and prove that narcolepsy and poor vision are no match for the human spirit.

    Regards,
    Vance Howard

  • A note to the editor of the Angels and Demon’s Newsletter

    Dear Sir or Madam,

    I recently started receiving your email newsletter reviewing the latest Angels and Demons events in the greater Dayton area, and I’d like to maybe help clear up some details using my own personal experiences.

    First of all, demons aren’t powerful, or even all that ugly. My shift manager at Sheetz, Daramiam, is a 3rd tier demon. He’s not a terrible looking guy, maybe a little overweight. And while yes, he does feed off my torment, he never goes too far. Like last month he made me shovel ice around the pumps 4 times, even though the ground was obviously clear after my first pass. But he said it needed to be perfect, and so I spent 3 hours shoveling bare asphalt. I could see him watching me from inside, giggling at my frustration, but afterwards he offered me a Marlboro red. He likes sharing nude pics of his girlfriend. I don’t ask for them, but I humor him and act jealous. Yeah, he’s a dick, but I’ve had worse bosses.

    Then there’s Orasniel (he goes by Otis), who works at the local vape shop. He’s actually pretty chill. Sometimes he’ll give me free stuff when there’s new products, but he’s kind of a talker. Usually he’ll talk my ear off about his upside down life. One time he mentioned he was 840-something years old, so I told him about my boss, and he explained his whole demon deal. It was kinda funny, but also I’m kinda glad I don’t have his problems. I got enough shit in grade school for being half-Jewish. Sounds like being a demon can be a real pain in the ass. Apparently there’s a lot of paperwork? They both talk a lot about filing paperwork, but I usually tune out the details.

    My neighbor Karl might be a demon, but he’s never come and out said so. He’s a dick for sure, and really loves putting nasty little notes on people’s houses about their long grass or messy yards, even though his house is probably the shittiest sight around. I flip him off when I see him, and he just laughs. So, you know, you do the math. Not trying to be racist or anything – I’m sure they’re individuals, but I think I know a demon when I see one.

    Oddly, I’ve never met a demon outside Ohio. I imagine there’s some more in Kentucky. They seem to like Marlboro reds and fanny packs, though I don’t know why. Just seems odd, but I’ll be damned if they don’t all sport one. Make of that what you will.

    As for Angels, I can’t say I’ve ever met one, so for all I know you’ve got them nailed. Is it true they all have British accents? Why do you think that is? Seems like a weird choice to me. My brother in law is from York, and people think he sounds gay. I’d be concerned with that if I were some all powerful celestial guy.

    Also, why no genitals? I’m not exactly sporting the “premium package”, but at least I’ve got a pair.

    Anyhow, hope this helps. Apart from some drama, I think you publish a fine newsletter, and look forward to future issues.

    – Gary Veitman
    Tipp City, OH

  • A scathing review of Pobody’s Nerfect Grill

    UPDATE

    My wife Doris and I had originally visited Pobody’s Nerfect Grill (or PNG as the sign reads) 2 weeks ago, and we had such a delightful meal that it encouraged a second visit. Well, at risk of being dramatic, we had quite possibly the worst meal experience of the last ten years in this community!

    To begin, our original waitress Sheryl wasn’t available when we first arrived. It was an early afternoon, and we told the hostess we could wait until she arrived. She was such a lovely young woman, and I wanted to make certain our $4 tip would be going to her once again. However, the hostess was rather moody, and her mumbling was difficult to understand. So, we waited 40 minutes before Greg, the manager, approached and informed us Sheryl was not due to work that day. It was a disappointment, but our appetites persisted, and so we settled for a new waiter, Darren.

    I have to say, Darren seems nice enough, but he is clearly no Sheryl. His shirt was untucked, and he seemed rather fond of his cellular phone. I had to repeat my drink order twice, only to discover since our last visit they had discontinued serving Schwepp’s ginger ale! This made Doris and I rather glum, but we settled for 2 cans of generic ginger ale and pressed on.

    After placing our orders, a terribly raunchy song began playing, which lowered our moods only further. Some foul mouthed man shouted his fondness for women’s… bottoms. How unprofessional! With so many pleasant songs to aid with digestion, why did the owners feel “Baby Got Back” was a fitting melody for their patrons? I seriously question their judgement.

    When our food arrived, it was rather helter-skelter. We had made our lettuce allergies quite clear, but nevertheless receives side salads, which were chock full of lettuce leaves. Doris’s mac-and-cheese was far to big to consume, which was a troubling waste of good food and put her in quite a position. My chicken pot pie was extremely hot, in spite of my directions, and I had to wait a good 10 minutes before I could even begin to eat my dish.

    With our stomach’s sated but our dispositions rather low, I felt it was fitting to relay our experience to Greg. He appeared to take my notes to heart at first, but then flippantly replied, “pobody’s nerfect!” I couldn’t understand, had he suffered a stroke? We were well aware of the establishment’s name. He offered to compensate us for our poor experience, but it’d have been an even greater offense to good business practices receiving cooked food for no charge. We just wanted to put the whole affair behind us.

    And so, it’s with a heavy heart I have to revise my former review of this establishment. It seems they have some issues to work through before they’re fully prepared for paying customers.

    4/5 stars

  • The Sigma Male Meal Plan

    What’s up to all my lone wolves out in the wild. As you know, I’ve been busy meeting with my lawyers over a few bullshit, beta-cuck court cases. But haters aren’t getting to me, because I’m built different and live by a code: in life, in the wild, and in my kitchen. That’s right, I’m about to drop the biggest game changer to your eating habits right here. Introducing, my Sigma Male Meal Plan.

    It’s a system I’ve designed over many years and ChatGPT prompts, and it’s upped my red-pill game by tenfold. The best part is it’s simple and rewarding. You’ll feel the results from the moment you pay $79.99 for the entire 6 week plan. You’ve already improved just from reading this. Keep it up.

    Week 1 goes like this. Pay attention.

    • Monday
      • Breakfast: Raw dog chicken breast
        1 chicken breast centered on a red plate
      • Lunch: Tactical tuna sandwich
        Tuna fish and creatine sandwich
      • Dinner: Discipline pizza
        White pizza that’d been yelled at for 20 minutes
    • Tuesday
      • Breakfast: High-T yogurt
        Yogurt parfait with crushed Nugenix pills
      • Lunch: Lone wolf ham sandwich
        Ham and gunpowder on rye bread
      • Dinner: Wagyu sushi
        Rice optional
    • Wednesday
      • Breakfast: 14 raw eggs
      • Lunch: Boss balls
        6 veal meatballs eaten at full erection
      • Dinner: Influencer pot roast
        Unsalted pot roast eaten inside a moving Cybertruck
    • Thursday
      • Breakfast: Power oatmeal
        Oatmeal and bull semen
      • Lunch: Blue stew
        Beef and Blue Chews stew
      • Dinner: Black pill chili
        Ground beef and beans that have given up all hope of becoming chili
    • Friday
      • Breakfast: Power donut
        Plain donut powdered with whey protein
      • Lunch: Predator poke bowl
        Raw turkey poke bowl with 4oz of yum sauce and NO RICE
      • Dinner: Burger and “Tate’rs”
        Bunless wagyu beef burger and tater tots that have been convicted of sex trafficking
    • Saturday
      • Breakfast: Drunk Cap’n Crunch
        Cap’n Crunch in single malt scotch
      • Lunch: Caprese salad with balsamic vinegarette
        Served by a waitress you could swear is 18
      • Dinner: Manly mac & cheese
        Mac & cheese with goat milk and troubling mother issues
    • Sunday
      • Breakfast: 30 minutes of shouting
        Use a pillow if you have angry neighbors
      • Lunch: Alpha wrap
        Chicken wrapped in a Cohiba cigar
      • Dinner: Patriot pizza
        White pizza served on a Blue Lives Matter flag

    To receive the full 6 week plan, become a Sigma Wolf tier member to my channel. You’ll get the full meal plan and help my legal defense fund. Don’t let the betas and omegas in the Louisville District Attorney’s office win.